In the market for a console and need some sound and unbiased advise on which one to buy? Then what the hell are you doing on the internet?! Well, seeing as you are here you my as well check out this handy buyers guide for each of the three main consoles currently available; the Sony Playstation 4, the Nintendo Wii U and, of course, the Sega Game Gear.
Value for money
PS4 – 8/10
Wii U – 7/10
Game Gear – ?/10
A PS4 can be easily had for about £300 with a couple games, and the Wii U is yours for about £200, again with a couple of games. Both therefore represent pretty decent value for money, though they arguably aren’t as cutting edge as releases in previous console generations.
Unfortunately after a brief sortie in my local high street I was unable to find a price for a new Game Gear for the purposes of this article. I have no doubt however that these are in stock at your local Woolworths or Comet stores.
Storage capacity
PS4 – 7/10
Wii U – 4/10
Game Gear – 0/10
The standard PS4 model comes with a 500GB hard drive, and there is also a slightly more pricey 1TB version. Its recommended to get the larger hard drive version, as PS4 games are typically installed on the console and can easily take upwards of 50GB of space. Add in the enormous patches released to fix all those bug-ridden games and you can find the memory fills up quicker than a broken toilet in a curry house. The Wii U possesses only a meagre 32GB of memory by comparison. However this disadvantage is offset somewhat by the fact that game sizes and patches are typically much smaller. The Game Gear is the clear loser in this category, possessing all the memory of an elephant with Alzheimer’s. It has no storage capacity whatsoever, although in fairness there is no digital distribution or game patches in place for Sega’s console.
Noise levels
PS4 – 4/10
Wii U – 6/10
Game Gear – 10/10
The PS4 is often described as being whisper quiet, however I’m not sure why this is considered a compliment. Imagine whilst playing a game someone whispers in your ear “psst, hey, Dave. You’re not very good at this game are you? Hey Dave, I’m a little warm. I’m just gonna blow some air about the place, okay?” Sony’s console also gets even louder when playing more demanding games, often sounding like a jet engine making angry love to a turntable. The Wii U also isn’t particularly quiet, although it makes a more constant but reassuring humming noise that isn’t that noticeable. The Game Gear however is the clear winner in this category. It has no disc drive or fan to speak of so runs without making any noise at all.
What the hell is this?!
Battery life
PS4 – 3/10
Wii U – 4/10
Game Gear – 1/10
Unfortunately for polar bears all of our consoles guzzle more juice than your average uranium enrichment facility. The Wii U game pad lasts a rather pathetic 3 or 4 hours before needing a charge. The PS4 controller lasts a bit longer at about 6 hours. You’re probably wondering why its scores lower than the Wii U in this category. Well firstly the charge cable for the controller is woefully inadequate when it comes to length which, whilst being a complaint many men have to deal with, shouldn’t be an issue with a pricey electronic device. The result is many a gaming session being spent leaning awkwardly forward on the couch. Second is that the controller uses a significant portion of the battery life powering a light that you can only see when its reflecting off the TV screen. So its annoying and useless, and therefore about as welcome as Nick Clegg is at a student house party. However its Sega’s console that really lowers the bar in this category. It needs 6 AA batteries to run and can burn through those in about 4 hours. Quite literally it seems as the unit gets rather toasty during use.
Portability
PS4 – 1/10
Wii U – 3/10
Game Gear – 8/10
To truly test the portability of our console contenders I’ve put them to the ultimate test by bringing them on board a crowded commuter train. First up was the PS4 and it fared rather badly. I had to kindly ask some over caffeinated business man to move his laptop to accommodate the TV I had brought along, as unfortunately the PS4 hasn’t got its own screen. He trampled off and muttered something about getting security so I ended up having the table to myself, but even so the experience was utterly nightmarish. I had to spend the entire time with one hand clamped on the TV to stop it smashing onto my lap. Playing Bloodborne with one hand was a challenge and a half I can tell you. The Wii U was a little better as it does have a screen in the gamepad. However you still have the issue of setting up the motion sensor and also finding a plug socket. The Game Gear thus emerges as the clear winner. I was only able to play for a short period whilst being escorted off the train, but it was very easy to use on the go. The console can also fit nicely into your pocket, assuming like me you wear the same kind of trousers worn by clowns.
Schoolyard bragging rights
PS4 – 9/10
Wii U – 4/10
Game Gear – 0/10
This is the final and most important category. Because of course the main purpose of a games console is to gloat about how you chose the best one, and question the intelligence and sexuality of anyone that bought a different one. I went to a local school to get the lowdown on what the kids thought was the current generations best console, though due to a court order I had to wear a disguise and use an assumed name. The PS4 was the clear favourite, with most kids saying it was the best because all their friends had one. The Wii U was derided by the teens for being a console for “babies”, and they strongly implied they would never consider buying one unless Nintendo released some kind of competitive online multiplayer prostitute murdering simulator. When asked for their thoughts on the Sega Game Gear I got largely stupefied gawks, with the occasional response of “you mean those guys that make those crappy Sonic games for kids?” So if you want to maintain your street cred you need to refrain from owning a Sega Game Gear, and refrain from using phrases like “street cred”.
Final verdict
I couldn’t be bothered to tally up the final scores to determine an overall winner, but if you follow the advice in this guide then you I can personally guarantee* you will be 100% satisfied with your console purchase. Thanks for reading, though if you are like most gamers you probably just looked at the scores and not the actual review content. Happy shopping!
*not a guarantee
Red Barrel Baron 